The National Police Agency has just released its latest data on the number of motorcycle gang members in Japan. We should all be relieved to hear that the number has fallen below 10,000 for the first time since the NPA started collecting data in 1975. The new low is 9,064 members!
So you can imagine how a Hard Hitting News Hound like me would take that. I needed to get to the bottom of this dramatic change in the number of motorcycle gang members.
There just happens to be a place near here where motorcycle gang members race around a large parking lot. They buzz and up and down local streets on their unmuffled motorcycles and make the whole neighborhood's property values go down. So I went out just the other night to find out what the police were doing to cause this dramatic decline in gang membership. As I arrived at the parking lot, the gang members were racing around in small circles, revving their engines and screeching tire tracks all over the pavement. Other people in the parking lot were clearly intimidated and as cars pulled away, the gang members would weave around them threateningly.
I saw two police officers standing between two orange traffic cones in the corner of the parking lot, so I ambled over (trying to make myself inconspicuous to the motorcycle gangs) and talked with them.
HHNH (Hard Hitting News Hound): Good evening officers.
Officer Senpai: Good evening. Could you stand behind the yellow line please? You are very large and I can't see over you.
HHNH: (noticing the yellow line of tape between the two cones on the pavement for the first time) Oh! Of course, sorry... um... what exactly are you doing, may I ask?
Office Senpai: We are counting the gang members. Officer Yarisugi! Did you get those three? Three of them riding with no helmets on that one bike. Do you see them?
Officer Yarisugi: (clicking his people-counter furiously) Yes, Officer Senpai, I got them!
Officer Senpai: How about that one over there, racing his bike around that elderly couple coming out of the store?
Officer Yarisugi: You mean the one with the orange hair, drinking beer and the girl riding backwards on his bike?
Officer Senpai: No, the other guy over there, riding no hands and doing wheelies.
Officer Yarisugi: Oh! I missed him! Thanks!
HHNH: Um... they seem a little dangerous. Shouldn't you be arresting them for traffic and other violations?
Officer Senpai: Of course not! (he looks at me like I am insane) We need to get a sense of the problem first. Did you know that there are 9,064 motorcycle gang members in the country today? What if there were 9,067 or 9,062?! Arresting them would be out of the question. We wouldn't know things like how many beds to make up or box lunches to buy when they are being held before trial. It's important to find out just how many there are first, and THEN we can consider measures to solve the problems they present.
Officer Yarisugi! Did you see those two? The woman is sitting backwards on the bike and holding the whiskey bottle?
Officer Yarisugi: Over there? Yes, I got them. (he continued clicking)
HHNH: But... look at how they are disturbing the peace and harassing those poor elderly people. Look! They snatched the old woman's purse!
Officer Senpai: You just don't understand, do you!
Foreigners!
Like I said, we need to know how many of them there are in each and every district. This is around the WHOLE country, you know! Of course – as you can see (waving his hand in the direction of several bikes, racing each other in a tight circle around a family car) – they are mobile. Do you realize how HARD that makes it for US?! We spend HOURS each day going out and COUNTING, WRITING up reports, CALLING other districts in this prefecture, TABULATING the results and POSTING them to National Police Headquarters. (sighing) It's a lot of work!
Officer Yarisugi: (sighing heavily too) Officer Senpai? Do you see those three on the motorcycle over there? Is that the same three as before?
Office Senpai: No, none of the first three was wearing a helmet, but you can see that the woman riding on the very back has a helmet looped around her neck.
Officer Yarisugi: I will count them. (click, click, click)
HHNH: So when will you get around to cracking down on them?
Officer Senpai: As soon as we get a clear picture of their numbers. You think this is EASY?! We have been doing this without letup since 1975! I mean, this year there are 9,064 members, but since they drive dangerously and get into accidents, that number could be different even as early as tomorrow!
Officer Yarisugi: (click click)
Officer Senpai: Keeping track of them is a full-time responsibility (he squared his shoulders to assume the grave responsibility).
HHNH: So basically what you are saying is the reason the numbers have declined is because they kill themselves in accidents?
Officer Senpai: Absolutely! This could be a self-solving social problem.
HHNH: But what about the damage they do in the meantime and others who they involve in their accidents?
Officer Senpai: You laymen don't understand police work. As the numbers go down – and they ARE going down EVERY year! – the number of accidents and other problems they cause will also go down!
Officer Yarisugi: (click click click)
HHNH: I see... clearly I am not up on how these social ills progress. Do you think the fewer numbers might have something to do with the reduced numbers of young people in general?
Officer Senpai: What ARE you talking about?! It's due to diligent police work!
Officer Yarisugi: Oh DAMN!
Did you see that?!
Officer Senpai: What?!
That guy doing the wheelie ran at full speed into the retaining wall and flew 20 meters, impaling himself on that lamp post!
Now what do we do?!
Officer Senpai: I will make a note on my pad here to subtract one point from tonight's tally.
HHNH: Thank you for the information.
Officer Senpai: Glad to be of help. Please be careful when walking back to your car and don't forget to use your seatbelt. Safety is a number one priority!
Officer Yarisugi: (click click)
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