We Three Kings

Last Christmas I drew on newly revealed records to report on the exchanges between Mary and Joseph, and this year too, I would like to continue in that vein to bring the true Christmas spirit to life.
Immortalized in that famous Christmas carol, the wise men are central to the Christmas story.
"We three kings of Orient are..."
and then something about a rubber cigar...
I forget the rest, but anyway, today we will look at the wise men who visited the baby Jesus. We traditionally think of them as three wise men, but nothing in the Bible actually tells us how many they were. What the Bible does tell us is that "On entering the house, they saw the child with Mary his mother; and they knelt down and paid him homage. Then, opening their treasure chests, they offered him gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
They opened their treasure chests (plural) and offered gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh!
These are valuable gifts! Gold is precious even today, frankincense is of ancient importance, and myrrh is more valuable than gold. We can assume that Mary and Joseph came in to some serious loot!
The image we have of Jesus is that he was not a rich man, but that he did not actually have any visual means of support either. There is nothing in the Bible that suggests he held down a job, for example. Yes, we know he WAS a carpenter, but I also USED TO work at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
We need to get to the basic documents here to find out what happened to those riches. And for that I (once again) revert to the recently revealed texts that I drew on last Christmas.
The relevant parts open with the wise men, presenting their gifts to the baby Jesus at the new house where Mary and Joseph have moved (they were not in the stable; check your Bible, OK?)

Wise Man1: (knocking on the door) Hello? Anybody home?
Mary: (wiping her hands on a towel as she leaves the kitchen) Hello? What can I do for you?
WM1: We are three wise men from the East, come to pay homage to the new King.
Mary: Say what?
Joseph: (From in back) Mary? Who is that? It's not Benjamin again, is it?!
Mary: (shouting to the back) NO! It's some wise men. (To the wise men) What do you want?
Wise Man2: We come bearing gifts to present to your son, the new king.
Wise Man3: Yes, we bring gold!
Wise Man4: And frankincense!
Wise Man5: And Myrrh!
Mary: Oh my.... how did you hear about us anyway?
WM1: A star rose in the west, signalling the arrival of the new King. We were ordered by Harod to follow its passage until we came here to your house, the house of the King.
Joseph: (coming to the door) What is all this about? Are you guys with the sewer company? We paid our bill last month!
Mary: No, Joseph. They have brought gifts for our baby. For Jesus!
Joseph: You sent in those coupons, didn't you? And we won something? I don't believe it.
Mary: No! Nothing like that. They brought gifts on their own!
Joseph: Wow. Thanks a lot. You guys are awesome!
WM2: Well.... it's been real, but we had a bad dream last night, so we have to go. In fact, we cannot return to Harod, so we need to go home by another way.
Mary: Oh my... well have a safe trip.
WM3: Thank you. I think we should go back by way of that new resort in Babylon. What do you guys think?
WM4: Sounds good to me!
Joseph: Well, good luck then! Thanks for the presents and all.
– LATER –
Mary: What are we going to DO with these gifts? Look at this, Joseph! There is a lot of stuff here!
Joseph: Wow! Look at all this gold! And the myrrh!!
Mary: We should save it.... for Jesus' college education. It is getting more and more expensive these days and he won't get a good job if he doesn't have a college education!
Joseph: Hey! Being a carpenter isn't THAT bad.... You know we could use some of it now! I wouldn't mind having a new donkey...
Mary: JOSEPH! You just BOUGHT a new donkey two years ago! What do you think you are? A Roman?!
Joseph: Well... I just thought....
How about paying down the mortgage, then?
Mary: NO! We are saving this for his future. What if he has trouble finding a job or something... he will need this to fall back on.

And so, it came to pass, that the gold, and the frankincense, and the myrrh were saved. Thanks to Mary. And that explains why Jesus never needed to have a job the whole time he was preaching and turning water into wine, etc.
Isn't that a heart warming story? Doesn't it just fill your heart with the Christmas spirit? It does mine. Of course, we don't actually know HOW the gifts were invested, but we can be sure it wasn't real estate as there is no Biblical record of Jesus living anywhere as an adult.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good investment! How about frankincense futures?